Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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