why didn't you poke me back
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
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