Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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