yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
