the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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