it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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