I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
