I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
