what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
