some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we're making bets on your personal life
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
