He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
