No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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