I wish I could punch you in the face.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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