I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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