If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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