I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
