When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize