I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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