The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
