I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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