dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
