i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
