I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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