if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
