I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm just crazy horny about you
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
