I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I am available for nakedness
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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