last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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