I think I won the penis lottery.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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