Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
