it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
