bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
