You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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