cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
