I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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