Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize