Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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