if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
