I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize