she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
