I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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