made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
