Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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