everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
