Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize