i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
