My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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