I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
