Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
false alarm. still invincible.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize