I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
