i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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