Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Randomize
