i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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