what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
