Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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