I wish my penis had an off switch
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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