Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
