So drunk its hurt
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
