if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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