It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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