you guys were way drunker than both of me
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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