Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
