Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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