How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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