mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
