She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
