You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
