im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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