i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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