If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
