Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
