Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize