can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
