i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
