I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
