My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
