I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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