just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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