hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
