Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
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